SOOOOO Tired

So it's very late. And I've had a REALLY great day. An amazing and completely happy day. And it all started last night, just after midnight. Hats off to Kris. And Then I went to bed, ben was kinda antsy all night, up and whiny, but he calmed down and snuggled up all nice the way I like( it's what's keeping me up btw, knowing he's not there). We got up pretty early, seven-ish, had a pretty ok morning. He and I both decided it was way to early to be up and napped on the couch for about two hours watching Disney on and off. It was great. We had a little munchy and then got dressed, discovered we got PAID!!! and went to the lys and to pay bills. got lots at the lys, and NO bills paid hahaha. We talked with daddy a little on the cell. Then we headed off to grandma's. He's staying with her while I work tomorrow. I always miss him so much. ON the way to grandma's Isaiah called. We had the most amazing conversation. I could cry. I'm having such a hard time with him gone. Sometimes I don't think I know who I am, sometimes I get scared, worried about what we have. Deep down, I'm not afraid, I know that we'll always be together. But there's so much to be scared of. And honestly there are some things that I just don't feel anymore, things that I want to feel, And I'm really scared that if it gets bad enough I will do something drastic to feel them again. I'm scared of that, because I love my husband. And I don't want to do anything to hurt him. Ever. It's a scary time for me.
I'm losing myself again. I don't like me entirely.
But today, talking with him, I almost felt alive again. I could almost remember what it felt like to be hugged. Almost remember the smell of love. Almost remember the feel of his lips, his skin. I can almost feel his breath on my neck, I can almost hear his whisper. There was just a taste of what it used to be like today. But it was just a taste. It went away. But you know what that little taste made me entirely happy ALL DAY! Only now it's so late. And the wind has changed, his kisses floating away like leaves on a river.
It's so odd, to be so worried about losing myself, losing him, and yet knowing that because I'm so worried, It means I love him more than anything.
Talking with newfound friends tonight, I realize how much I have, and How thankful I should be.
I know now, that when I see threads or posts from women complaining about not hearing from their husbands for a few weeks, I should be sympathetic instead of angry and jealous. Because if their love is like mine, then a few weeks is just as bad as these ten months.
Isaiah, you are the greatest man I have ever known. No one understands me like you do, and no one in their right minds would treat me as wonderfully as you do, and I know that sometimes I take you completely for granted, but please know that without you I would die. Immediately.
And I'd give up forever to touch you, Cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment, And all I can breathe is your life, Cause sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight.I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am . (goo goo dolls- Iris)


PMS.