Crap

Haven't blogged much. Life has been one big whirlwind since Isaiah got home. HE came home the first week of August. It was crazy, I had to work all day that day and only JUST made it back to meet him. We had a great time when he got home. We were still getting deployment pay so I did whatever I could to make him happy. Took him to the restaurants he had missed. Bought the food he liked. We drove around to some places. Visited. Had sex, hahaha. It was nice. I felt so lucky just to have my other half back. To have my life complete, the circle closed. Ben started talking a LOT once Isaiah came home, and he still learns two to three new words a day. Then abruptly everything went to shit. The money I had been so used to living on just disappeared. We are now only making enough to barely make ends meet. I can't even make the minimum payments on our credit cards. I've stopped paying one car payment all together, although I had payed it through next year so no repercussions for that yet. At the end of last month we ran out of food. And money. I had to resort to baking bread everyday. I know that doesn't sound horrible, but it's ALL we had to eat. That and canned vegetables. I guess we could have eaten the powdered potatoes. Ick. We had to replace all four car tires, and in order to even pay for that we had to get a high interest credit card.
I went to drill last weekend and could not feed myself. I had to ask a dear friend (adam, you have no idea what that meant to me, thank you) to buy me PEANUTS. Luckily my first sergeant is like the mom I never had and spotted me a 20. Enough for gas. NO food. But then when I got to Grandma's she fed me. Which was soooo nice. And she even loaned me a little bit for gas and milk. After two hellish days with barely any food, a pt test, and two 5 hours drives I got home. I even stopped at dairy dans and spent two dollars in change on ice cream for isaiah. They have gigantic cones and it was one of the things he wanted after Iraq. I got home and Isaiah had cleaned the whole house. Even put my Halloween decorations up. He was amazing. But after such a long weekend I could barely BREATHE let alone stop to appreciate him. So he started yelling at me and I broke down. I mean, here he was at home EATING, staying up late, watching tv, in a warm house, with food. And I was starving. I couldn't even think and he was yelling at me for not appreciating him. I DID appreciate everything he did. Immensely. I just couldn't show it at the moment. He understood of course, because he's amazing, but it just sucked.
I started selling my stash online. It was going great, I made almost 80 dollars in a week. But then, because we had recently moved there was an address discrepancy on my paypal account. And paypal says that someone tried to access my account. I was like "Yeah, ME!!". So I tried to resolve it, but I don't have a land line phone so they sent me a letter with a code in it that I'm supposed to enter on the website and THEN I could get my money out. Only I haven't received that letter. And it was sent October 16. And actually for the past month I have only received maybe two things in the mail, them being the "resident" ads that they put in there. I've actually gotten about 5-10 pieces of mail a day, NOT ONE of them addressed to me. NOT ONE SINGLE ONE!! Someone sent me a huge swap package that I haven't gotten, and then there's the paypal letter. So at the moment I have almost a hundred dollars in paypal that I have NO way of accessing.
Everything in my life is going to shit.
What really broke me down recently was when I heard someone recently was in a similar situation to me. SHe started selling her stash too. And it was bought. And then during pm s it turned out the person was buying her stash just to give it back to her.
And now I keep hearing about all this charity and I just wanna ...
I don't know. I feel so hopeless. I'm having trouble feeding my own child. I've applied for several jobs, but as I have no skills or job experience I can't get a job that would make enough to even COVER the daycare cost, let alone actually MAKE extra.
I'd sell my car but it's a piece of shit.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I"ve been praying to God more recently. I wonder if maybe I'm being punished. After all we made a lot during deployment and I Could have saved a little. NOt much, but a little.
Everyone else in ISaiah's unit is buying new things. NO one else is having trouble feeding their children.
I'm fighting hard everyday just to hold it together. Trying not to think too much about things, trying to be productive but it's so hard. IT's so hard, GOd. Why is this happening to me. Why is this happening to us??
Why, when I'm just supposed to be happy my husband is alive, I am miserable because we are starving.
I know this is all my fault, but I should be the one punished. Not my son.
God, please. Please. Everyone else has angels coming out of the wood work. Where are you, God? I'm not strong enough for this, I can't do this without you. I need help.
I'm so sorry, God, I know I haven't been the child you once knew as your own.
Without you I've been pseudo happy. And now, lately, I've needed you more than ever. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I just don't know.