Pregnancy Blog #1

Ok so last week we "found out" I was pregnant!! yay!! I say found out but I already knew. Just like last time. It was this overwhelming feeling and there was a moment where I just knew. I am pregnant. And I thanked God.
I looked back at the past few weeks and totally realized all the emotions and craziness were due to pregnancy. So that's good.
And everyone seems to be so happy about it!! Which is great. I love how much support I have. At the same time I'm a little wary. I guess I'm happy. I mean after all we've been wanting a baby. I just feel so sick, and even a little depressed. I know these feelings are not me though. that's what's weird, I WANT to be happy but i just can't. I can't be happy at all. So I might see about getting some medication for that, given my history.
I wanted to try and journal through the pregnancy though. I hear a lot of women do it, and I always felt sad that I didn't the first time. So I'm doing it now.
Here's a rundown of how I'm feeling today.
Nauseous. Like really bad. I almost lost it in my bread pan. I was maknig some savory bread for Isaiah and everytime I tried to portion the dough it smelled so sick, I almost blew chunks into the pan.
Thirsty. I'm so thirsty, I can't get enough water. Except when I'm nauseous and then I have trouble drinking because everything in my stomach feels like it's coming up.
Peeing. I pee a lot. Although I'm cool with that..I love peeing. I peed a LOT last time and I remember when it was over I appreciated peeing so much. I still do. Peeing gives me extreme satisfaction hahaha.
STUPIDITY!! I'm feeling really stupid. I have to retype half of my words, everything I say comes out mixed up and jumble and I forget the simplest words. You have no idea how much brainpower it is taking to write this right now!! hahaha
Fatigue. So tired. Sooooo tired. That's all.
That's about it really. I'm trying to remember all this stuff about pregnancy and plan out the coming months with knitting and learning about cloth diapers, registries, christmas presents. I'm really just trying to keep myself together. Still having money troubles...but I'm trusting in God.
That's something I'm feeling a lot of lately. God.
I missed Him and knowing He's here for me right now means so much. I know that it's only through Him that we are having this baby. And I know that He must think it's the right time for a baby and so that's what is helping me go with it.
Thanks for reading. More later I guess :D

Crap

Haven't blogged much. Life has been one big whirlwind since Isaiah got home. HE came home the first week of August. It was crazy, I had to work all day that day and only JUST made it back to meet him. We had a great time when he got home. We were still getting deployment pay so I did whatever I could to make him happy. Took him to the restaurants he had missed. Bought the food he liked. We drove around to some places. Visited. Had sex, hahaha. It was nice. I felt so lucky just to have my other half back. To have my life complete, the circle closed. Ben started talking a LOT once Isaiah came home, and he still learns two to three new words a day. Then abruptly everything went to shit. The money I had been so used to living on just disappeared. We are now only making enough to barely make ends meet. I can't even make the minimum payments on our credit cards. I've stopped paying one car payment all together, although I had payed it through next year so no repercussions for that yet. At the end of last month we ran out of food. And money. I had to resort to baking bread everyday. I know that doesn't sound horrible, but it's ALL we had to eat. That and canned vegetables. I guess we could have eaten the powdered potatoes. Ick. We had to replace all four car tires, and in order to even pay for that we had to get a high interest credit card.
I went to drill last weekend and could not feed myself. I had to ask a dear friend (adam, you have no idea what that meant to me, thank you) to buy me PEANUTS. Luckily my first sergeant is like the mom I never had and spotted me a 20. Enough for gas. NO food. But then when I got to Grandma's she fed me. Which was soooo nice. And she even loaned me a little bit for gas and milk. After two hellish days with barely any food, a pt test, and two 5 hours drives I got home. I even stopped at dairy dans and spent two dollars in change on ice cream for isaiah. They have gigantic cones and it was one of the things he wanted after Iraq. I got home and Isaiah had cleaned the whole house. Even put my Halloween decorations up. He was amazing. But after such a long weekend I could barely BREATHE let alone stop to appreciate him. So he started yelling at me and I broke down. I mean, here he was at home EATING, staying up late, watching tv, in a warm house, with food. And I was starving. I couldn't even think and he was yelling at me for not appreciating him. I DID appreciate everything he did. Immensely. I just couldn't show it at the moment. He understood of course, because he's amazing, but it just sucked.
I started selling my stash online. It was going great, I made almost 80 dollars in a week. But then, because we had recently moved there was an address discrepancy on my paypal account. And paypal says that someone tried to access my account. I was like "Yeah, ME!!". So I tried to resolve it, but I don't have a land line phone so they sent me a letter with a code in it that I'm supposed to enter on the website and THEN I could get my money out. Only I haven't received that letter. And it was sent October 16. And actually for the past month I have only received maybe two things in the mail, them being the "resident" ads that they put in there. I've actually gotten about 5-10 pieces of mail a day, NOT ONE of them addressed to me. NOT ONE SINGLE ONE!! Someone sent me a huge swap package that I haven't gotten, and then there's the paypal letter. So at the moment I have almost a hundred dollars in paypal that I have NO way of accessing.
Everything in my life is going to shit.
What really broke me down recently was when I heard someone recently was in a similar situation to me. SHe started selling her stash too. And it was bought. And then during pm s it turned out the person was buying her stash just to give it back to her.
And now I keep hearing about all this charity and I just wanna ...
I don't know. I feel so hopeless. I'm having trouble feeding my own child. I've applied for several jobs, but as I have no skills or job experience I can't get a job that would make enough to even COVER the daycare cost, let alone actually MAKE extra.
I'd sell my car but it's a piece of shit.
I just don't know what to do anymore. I"ve been praying to God more recently. I wonder if maybe I'm being punished. After all we made a lot during deployment and I Could have saved a little. NOt much, but a little.
Everyone else in ISaiah's unit is buying new things. NO one else is having trouble feeding their children.
I'm fighting hard everyday just to hold it together. Trying not to think too much about things, trying to be productive but it's so hard. IT's so hard, GOd. Why is this happening to me. Why is this happening to us??
Why, when I'm just supposed to be happy my husband is alive, I am miserable because we are starving.
I know this is all my fault, but I should be the one punished. Not my son.
God, please. Please. Everyone else has angels coming out of the wood work. Where are you, God? I'm not strong enough for this, I can't do this without you. I need help.
I'm so sorry, God, I know I haven't been the child you once knew as your own.
Without you I've been pseudo happy. And now, lately, I've needed you more than ever. I just don't know what to do anymore.
I just don't know.

Pile Of KNIT

Here's my first pattern I ever wrote. It's quick and easy, and hopefully won't have you saying "$h!t!"
Use any weight Yarn
Any size needles, double point, two circulars, or magic loop
Cast on 6 sts and knit one row as for I-cord.
Divide sts equally among 3 dpns. Place stitch marker
and begin to knit in the round.
Base Tier
Round 1: kfb all sts (12 sts)
Round 2: k1, kfb; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 3: k2, kfb; repeat from (24 sts)
Round 4: knit
Round 5: k3, kfb; repeat from (30 sts)
Round 6: k4, kfb; repeat from (36 sts)
Round 7: k5, kfb; repeat from (42 sts)
Round 8: knit
Round 9: k6, kfb; repeat from (48 sts)
Round 10: knit
Round 11: knit
Round 12: knit
Round 13: k6, k2tog; repeat from (42 sts)
ROund 14: k5, k2tog; repeat from (36 sts)
Round 17: k4, k2tog; repeat from (30 sts)
Round 18: knit
Round 19: k3, k2tog; repeat from (24 sts)
Now is a good time to stuff the first ball if you see fit…
Round 20: k2, k2tog; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 21: knit
Round 22: k1, k2tog; repeat from (12 sts)
Second tier
Round 23:k1, kfb; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 24: k2, kfb; repeat from (24 sts)
Round 25: k3, kfb; repeat from (30 sts)
Round 26: k4, kfb; repeat from (36 sts)
Round 27: knit
Round 28: k4, k2tog; repeat from (30 sts)
Round 29: k3, k2tog; repeat from (24 sts)
good time to stuff, if necessary
Round 30: k2, k2tog; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 31: knit
Round 32: k1, k2tog; repeat from (12 sts)
third tier
Round 33: k1, k2tog; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 34: k2, kfb; repeat from (24 sts)
ROund 35: knit
Round 36: k3, kfb; repeat from (30 sts)
Round 37: knit
Round 38: k3, k2tog; repeat from (24 sts)
Round 39: knit
Round 40: k2, k2tog; repeat from (18 sts)
Round 41: Knit
Stuff ball with yarn scraps, batting, etc.
Round 37: k1, k2tog; repeat from (12 sts)
Round 38: knit
Round 39: k2tog; repeat from (6 sts)

Cut yarn leaving a 6-inch tail. Thread needle with
yarn tail, pull through remaining stitches and knot
discreetly. Run needle down the center of poo and
through to other side. Snip excess tail close to poo’s
surface.
Embroider eyes and mouth as wanted or needed. Do what you like, it's poo, not rocket science!!

Green Sans Thumb!

So, for Benjamin's birthday I created some cute little mitt/fingerless gloves for him. I call them Green(SANS) Thumb. Get it?! Silly I know. This is a pair of fingerless gloves for kids, ages 2-4 I would expect. They are a skoch big on him, and he's two today.
Anyway here is the pattern. It is free for all, please feel free to use it, make them, and give them away! This pattern is not for beginners, mostly because I am not a good pattern writer. Please email me if you have any questions, suggestions, or anything. Here goes.

Yarn- Hazelknits Artisan Sock Yarn in Shady Verdant, 100 or so yards.
Needles- I used size zero 27 inch circulars, but I would recommend size 1 doublepoints. I'm a losse knitter. I don't know why you needed to know that. Shoot. Anyway.

PATTERN!!
WRIST!!
Cast on 48 sts using long tail cast on
Join, being sure not to twist!!
Work K1, P1 ribbing for five rounds
Work K3, P1 ribbing until total piece measures 2 inches, or until it reaches the base of thumb.
THUMB HOLE!!
Work back and forth in K3, P1 ribbing for 3/4 of an inch, slipping the first stitch of every row(creating a nice edge!)
FINISHING!!
Join on a RS row, and begin working in the Round again, doing K3, P1 ribbing for 3 or four rows(or about a quarter of an inch.
Work K1, P1 ribbing for five rows. Bind off.
TA-DA!!
oh yeah, MAKE TWO!!
(p.s. I tried these on a seven year old today, and they fit too! A little...stretchy, but still fits!! hahaha)

The Thirst For Knowledge.

I wonder and worry that my generation and even possibly the generation before me will not have great people come from it. By that I mean that the generations to come will only have the people before US to look at as great people. The great presidents of our time, the great speakers. The people we should all admire for their minds. People like Dr. Martin Luther King Jr., President John F. Kennedy. Great scientists like Albert Einstein, Jonas Salk. I think that in our past there was more of an emphasis on our education, and growing our minds. And yet, maybe that's not right either. I know when I was younger it's all they EVER seemed to emphasize. But maybe as a lack of discipline grew in children so did a lack of those children's THIRST for knowledge.
And that's sad.
I know that this is short but I really just wanted to say that I have an EXTREME thirst for knowledge and I do believe that it's growing in our generation. I also hope that I can raise my own child with enough discipline to pass my thirst on to him.

LIBERACE!!!(walter hahaha)

So i've been watching CSI the first season and they talked about Liberace for maybe a split second. So I thought hey, let's learn something new, something I always like. I have to say, I never really knew much about him, I just thought he was a gay guy who wore crazy costumes. I looked him up on wikipedia, and I need to inform you all that Liberace? HE WAS AN AMAZING GUY!
I think, in my own opinion, that he was a great American. He went from this whitebread Wisconsin, good boy...to an accomplished piano player and performer. His acts(you can see some of them on youtube) were family oriented and definately AUDIENCE oriented. He worked hard on being a performer, and while some people thought he was a sell out for taking on advertising deals and such, he always used the cathphrase "I cried all the way to the bank!" He made millions of dollars and, surprisingly, was a devout Catholic. Many people said he was gay, and you know what he did? HE SUED THEM!! AND WON!!!
Not only that he started the Liberace Foundation to support the arts and the foundation has awarded more than 5 million dollars in grants.
In conclusion, I went online tonight looking to learn something new. Not only did I learn something new, but I think I've been put in my place. Liberace was an outstanding American, a hard-working performer, and has supported over 2200 students in achieving their goals as artists.
And here, I just thought he was a gay guy who wore costumes.
I learned a lot, but most of all I learned(again and again) to never judge a book by it's cover.

I love how creamy white your skin is.....pretty much flawless...for the most part

Hubby, you are so freakin weird,
So, I've been doing a lot of pastie knitting lately. It kicks ass!!
I made these ones that were supposed to be daisy like, but the colors make it look like an egg.
Oh well.
Been really busy lately with work and Ben. I love working. Hawaii was so much fun!
Anyway, Isaiah is on so can't type much, I get distracted easily. Later!

Roman Hands and Russian Lips

I know when my baby is coming home!! A least, it's a tentative date. Honestly, I don't care as long as he comes home before that bitch whitney wahl's hubby comes home. HAHAHAHAHA!!
I've been so busy, work has been crazy. I love going to work, it's so much fun, the people there are great. I'm really looking forward to Hawaii next weekend. And hawaii in July. And the whole summer pretty much. I hope it goes fast too, cuz then Isaiah gets here sooner.
Yes, that's right. Whitney Wahl is a fucking bitch.

I HATE my coworkers.

Plain and simple really. So I borrowed this cool ice pack thing that straps to your ankle. I had it in the freezer at work cause I don't have a freezer in my CHU. I did pt today and afterwards planned to ice my ankle like the doc said to. I get to the shop and the ice pack is on the counter completely useless and a note on the freezer to me which basically said to not put an ice pack that has been on my feet in the freezer next to food and stuff which is understandable but thats not the point. The point is they could give a shit about Stewart. They could have put it in a plastic bag(in fact I should have done that to begin with sorry guys), or at least some sort of ice replacement so I would have something you know. Well anyway I adapted cause thats all I can do with these jerks. They were so mean like down right cruel. Anyway I found some ice luckily and put it in a plastic bag, it got the job done. Damn I hate these people there's only a few good ones in the whole shop. I wish I could come home. I miss my family. Sorry about the rant I just had to get it off my chest.

Twisted Ankle

So yeah i ran a 16:45 today and at the very end I rolled my ankle something fierce. Damn does it hurt I have an ACE bandage on it and I took a tylenol. It is pretty swollen. Luckily I don't have maintance today. I miss you Robin. I wish you were here to nurse my battle wounds. I roll my ankle alot actually and this one is probably the worst I have had. I almost broke it I think but it should be ok. Kisses for Robin and Ben. I love you both so much.

In the style of the Hubs or How I SUCK ASS

So, folks. I failed my pt test. I'm not surprised at that exactly but I am surprised at everything I failed at. Which really was almost EVERYTHING. Damn it.
NOt only that I've gained almost 6 pounds since october. Thank god it was only 6. But still...
My whole weekend sucked ass. SUCKED ASSS!!!!
but now I'm ok.
so. yeah

And another one bites the dust..(or the Hard Look)

2 miles: 16:25
So I had to get up on my day off and go run but hey I gotta do so it's cool. I did ok showing progress from the pt test. I guess the other day was just a bad day. I miss my family. I can't beleive how much my wife loves me. I don't think anyone could ever love me as much as Robin does, save for the Lord above. I am truely blessed I have the love of a good woman, I am getting healthier everyday, getting smarter, growing mentally and I wish I was growing spiritually. God loves me and I love Him but we don't talk as much as we used to. I wish I called my family more then I do, they care so much for me. This blog has turned into a introspective microscope. I am really taking a hard look at myself. Hopefully I will be better for it. I want to be a better man for my wife and for my son. My son needs a good man to look up to and draw his morals and standards from, I just hope I am up for this task.

Stress!!!

Wish me luck on the pt test peoples!!!
MORE luck on the weigh in

This is my life

So here i am at this crazy blog thing. I have heard of these of course. I have just never tried doing one myself but the lovely wife can get me to do anything. In fact if she told me to I would jump off a bridge. She is my life. I am hoping to really buckle down and get able to be promoted. Right now I am working on this crazy thing called PT. For some reason the Army thinks its pretty important an so I have to make it a priority. In fact I am going to include my progress in this and future posts. Second on the agenda is maxing correspondence courses. Thats 1000 hours. so far I have 62(its a long road but its be traveled before many times). Whenever the damn eArmyu site gets back up I also plan to start college. I think I will enjoy architecture so I am gonna try to major in that. Well I suppose this is a good start. I love you Robin. I love you Ben. By the way i ran a 17:27 today, total sucksville.

SOOOOO Tired

So it's very late. And I've had a REALLY great day. An amazing and completely happy day. And it all started last night, just after midnight. Hats off to Kris. And Then I went to bed, ben was kinda antsy all night, up and whiny, but he calmed down and snuggled up all nice the way I like( it's what's keeping me up btw, knowing he's not there). We got up pretty early, seven-ish, had a pretty ok morning. He and I both decided it was way to early to be up and napped on the couch for about two hours watching Disney on and off. It was great. We had a little munchy and then got dressed, discovered we got PAID!!! and went to the lys and to pay bills. got lots at the lys, and NO bills paid hahaha. We talked with daddy a little on the cell. Then we headed off to grandma's. He's staying with her while I work tomorrow. I always miss him so much. ON the way to grandma's Isaiah called. We had the most amazing conversation. I could cry. I'm having such a hard time with him gone. Sometimes I don't think I know who I am, sometimes I get scared, worried about what we have. Deep down, I'm not afraid, I know that we'll always be together. But there's so much to be scared of. And honestly there are some things that I just don't feel anymore, things that I want to feel, And I'm really scared that if it gets bad enough I will do something drastic to feel them again. I'm scared of that, because I love my husband. And I don't want to do anything to hurt him. Ever. It's a scary time for me.
I'm losing myself again. I don't like me entirely.
But today, talking with him, I almost felt alive again. I could almost remember what it felt like to be hugged. Almost remember the smell of love. Almost remember the feel of his lips, his skin. I can almost feel his breath on my neck, I can almost hear his whisper. There was just a taste of what it used to be like today. But it was just a taste. It went away. But you know what that little taste made me entirely happy ALL DAY! Only now it's so late. And the wind has changed, his kisses floating away like leaves on a river.
It's so odd, to be so worried about losing myself, losing him, and yet knowing that because I'm so worried, It means I love him more than anything.
Talking with newfound friends tonight, I realize how much I have, and How thankful I should be.
I know now, that when I see threads or posts from women complaining about not hearing from their husbands for a few weeks, I should be sympathetic instead of angry and jealous. Because if their love is like mine, then a few weeks is just as bad as these ten months.
Isaiah, you are the greatest man I have ever known. No one understands me like you do, and no one in their right minds would treat me as wonderfully as you do, and I know that sometimes I take you completely for granted, but please know that without you I would die. Immediately.
And I'd give up forever to touch you, Cause I know that you feel me somehow. You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be And I don't want to go home right now. And all I can taste is this moment, And all I can breathe is your life, Cause sooner or later it's over. I just don't want to miss you tonight.I don't want the world to see me, Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am . (goo goo dolls- Iris)


PMS.

"...and then she showed me her Rat!!"

This story has many Stories surrounding it. Some would say I was interviewing a babysitter, while other would tell you she was looking for a hot time. Either way, I ended up with my finger bit.....
Here are the facts.
1. She WAS morbidly obese
B. She had a LOT of cats.
5. Her rat not only didn't like men, but apparently me either.(Grammar Police!!!)
and F. I got out of there as SOON as possible.
Bleeding.
Profusely.





Bitch.

Oddly Enough

Story Of My LIfe. Everything. Is.
Oddly enough.
Rat Story to come ;)